If you ever need me
Just tell me and I’ll be there
‘Cause I was built for you
Yes I was built to carry all your feelings
‘Cause I won’t let them know
I won’t let you go baby
I don’t care what your past is
I don’t need no answers
Just have faith in me
“Seriously though, Sam Smith, if I didn’t think that voice of yours melts butter I won’t have this song on my playlist at all. Do you have any idea how bloody expensive ‘faith’ is? Hell! I would give you my vegetable sandwich on a hungry morning and my cup of coffee before you get faith.”
*the sound of a cricket calling out to some other cricket interrupted my monologue. Then, thoughtfully:*
“Did I just say my cup of coffee? That can’t be right. Ah well, if there’s still coffee I can sure make myself another cup. If there isn’t though, that shii’s not happening. Like so not happening! Coffee and faith are on the official too-expensive-to-‘just’-give list”
The time was 3:23, and I was not throwing a playlist tantrum; that was just the expression of my discomfort. After all, who else could I grumble at? The good people on my social media networks were either asleep or worse company than the crickets twanging jazz tunes from the garden. Anyway, I was awake after having my bath for the third time that night; and really cranky because I could already feel the starting of sweat beading on my forehead.
Thinking back, that was perhaps the rightest or wrongest time for that song to play. Someday, I would think back and have the answer. That ‘someday’ isn’t today though; not yet.
Back to that night though; I took off my pair of socks, got out of bed and went to the bathroom. Just before I stepped under the shower I wondered how much water was in the tank; and how many times I would need to shower before the water got exhausted. The thought flitted through my mind that perhaps I shouldn’t bathe, but the feel of sweat strolling down my face voided that thought before it was even completed. As I stood under the blessed stream of cold water hitting on my fevered skin I began to think.
Someplace in cathecism I was taught that faith is belief in things unseen… or something like that (I remember eyeing a boy during that class; shii like that kills concentration, and lack of concentration kills ability to recall… you know where I’m going). Anyway, we can say faith is: you believe that x would happen based on belief that factor y loves you and knows you want x. Faith is usually used with the supernatural, with ‘God’ or whatever other divine being is believed to govern the universe; its corollary being faith-in-people, a.k.a trust.
Back to my wandering thoughts, I thought that if I could give faith- the ultimate belief in a being’s capacity to be there for me- then I should own that faith. If I were to believe that someone would always have my back, then I should believe and make it my responsibility to always have my own damn back. After all said and done, the ‘back’ is mine, innit? So I stayed there under the shower and thought, just thought, that if a lot more people owned responsibility for their backs, then people would be really careful about the things they do. They would not mess things up because they acted unthinkingly in expectation that some smooth voiced other would ‘be there’. Also, if we could hold ourselves responsible, it would be easier to decide the times we really need to get our act together. So we would journey on self-discovery; determining the things that mean a lot to us: things we wouldn’t want to ‘f’ with.
Seriously though, let’s forget my gospel about being responsible for ourselves. After all, experience says humans are always there, right? Now, answer this question: “who was built to carry your feelings, experiences, and all the rest of who you are?” Decide what you will for yourself but, if you won’t believe in yourself, don’t you feel just a teeny weeny little bit hilarious expecting someone else to believe in you?
So I got out of the shower, and decided that Jon Bellion, Jhené Aiko, Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, and The Weeknd were the voices I could listen to while I waited for dawn.