You often ponder how the female heart breaks? I chose to break it down.
1. Your classic macho self gets mushy. You say we’re the only akara in your frying pan, only cockroach in your cupboard, only sugar in your tea, only rash in your butt. We carry sunshine in our eyes so we light up your otherwise gloomy life. Matter of fact, we’re your oxygen and you can’t breathe without us! Aaaw Poor you. We don’t want you to die so we say yes. And maybe we’re all blushes, twiddling fingers and giggles but that’s not the point. This is the priming stage. We’re all blossoms here.
2. You change our world. Literally. Make our world before you seem like a lackluster painting. That song, we sing it together. That meal, we cook it together- make a mess of your shirt, the kitchen, and maybe even the darn meal. The phone? Poor thing! Battery barely stays up because we’re burning up the lines from calls to chats to more calls to more chats. You sew yourself into the fabric of our lives and we let you. Bloody bite our lips with stars twinkling in our eyes while you’re at it. Cute, right?
3. You decide to leave our life. Hunh? What?! Leave! Really?! Reallllyyyyy??? You wave us a dandy bye while saying “get back to that life of dull monotones, no rant buddy, perfect schedules, and just you”. Fack! Why you gotta do that? Surely you realize our life before you doesn’t seem so perfect anymore? That the radio won’t stop playing THAT song? That we still have to cook THAT meal? That we now look at our phone often, thinking your heart is throbbing through it, anticipating us? That our bed now seems too big because we loved sharing it with you?
4. We curse you out, delete your contacts and evidences of you, purdah your name. But the universe is awful. So someone walks like you in a crowd and we freeze in our tracks. Or something huge happens, we pick the phone to tell you, and remember we shouldn’t. Or our nostrils flares with a tease of your perfume and dread, anxiety, fear, hope, excitement, anger dance tango on our nervous system. All at the same time. Just before we realize it’s not even you.
Some of those days we curl up, listen to music, cry. Or we hide our number, call you, and just listen to your voice, or the sound of you breathing. And you’re always fine. Always perfect. This is where we go really nuts. Wanting you desperately, sliding off the slope of sanity with thoughts and memories of you, when you couldn’t care less. When we fight with ourselves over one who won’t even love for us. Right there is where our hearts feel like bloodied pieces of piercing pain.