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Body Diary: Between Me and Hungry Me

11:32 a.m
Hungry me: “We need food”
Me: “I had breakfast”
*Stretches left hand into bag to fetch bananas*
 
12:59 p.m
Hungry me: “Hungry. Again.”
Me: “I just fed you”
Hungry me: “Two bananas. Two. Bloody. Bananas!”
Me: “Shouting is rude. Especially in someone’s head.”
*pauses*
“No food. Go learn some manners.”
Hungry me: “Thunder fire you!”
 
13:24hrs
Hungry me: “Stomach is biting. Foood”
Me: “Nah; would ruin vibe. Music and report are dope right now”
 
13:40hrs
Hungry me: “What’s the thing you have against belching and co in public?”
Me: “Image management. Those are rude. Not ‘me’”
Hungry me: “Okay. You should skip the next song.”
Me: “Why?”
Hungry me: “R. Kelly croons licking the middle of orioles in it”
Me: “But that’s not what the lyrics really mean. It’s metaphor for…”
Hungry me: *cuts in*
“R.Kelly is responsible for what he says. I for what I understand.”
Me: *face falls*
“That’s my best song on the album”
Hungry me: “If that song plays, I’m going to purr.”
Me: “I’m at work. An office. With other people.”
Hungry me: “Low. Sexy. Hungry. Rumble. Purr.”
Me: *frowns; thoughtful* Why’s that causing tingles down my spine? *bites lower lip*
“I’ve given my life to Jesus.”
Hungry me: “Hunh hunh.”
Me: *Gets up to get food*
#Blackmail #BodyDiary #Hunger #Worktales
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The Books and I

27/07/2016

18:45hrs

Phone: *Beep beep*

Dupe: *musing*

“message at this hour of the day tho”

*picks phone lazily, reads new text*

“Aaah… salary y’av come. I’ll finally be able to do that money spending analysis thing. Let’s even know how we really spend our money by the end of the month. Good Mister Finance Officer ”

28/07/2016

17:30hrs

*Dupe starts mail correspondences *

17:45hrs

*browsing books after following Goodreads e-mail link*

Dupe: *whispering to self; trans-like*

“Daaamn. Boooooks”

*drools*

18:30hrs

Laptop: *Beep*

On-screen tab: “you do not have sufficient funds to complete this transaction”

Dupe: *Jaw drops. Lone tear rolls down cheek. Blinks unbelieving at teller response*

“Salary y’av finish? God! Hunger. Hunger is coming.”

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#BodyDiary: Twerkscapade

21:18 hrs
Dupe and Dami are lounging in bed; gisting about the months that have passed. Dami talks about how somebody twerked somewhere and it was rave.
Dupe: *refelective* “But you know that thing is a disgrace. I don’t know how to twerk”
Dami: “Me sef. And it was the rave that year”
Dupe: “Someone should not even just go somewhere and the dance code is twerk”
Dami: “Aah! Akoba niyen ke! How do they even twerk sef?”
Dupe: “Bumbum goes one way; bounces. I think”
*Dami stands up, does some awkward body movement that’s better left unremembered*
Dupe: “Hian! Wait. I have data. Let’s just check YouTube for how to do the darn thing. Matter of fact, that’s what we’re learning this weekend”
*Dupe connects internet, types in “how to twerk” on YouTube, looks at Dami, and they choose a video*
Lady in video: “…so you put your hands on your waist….”
*Dupe starts laughing when she notes that herself and Dami did as instructed immediately, while sitting on the bed*
Dupe: *Let’s get up and do the thing well jhor”
Dami: “Make it full screen jhor”
*The two girls stand in front of the full-length mirror, grinning*
***
21:27 hrs
Dami: “Heeey! My laps are aching. Chai”
Dupe: *panting* “Beht who created ‘twerk’; enh?” *hisses* “We must sha get it this night”
Dami: “Our bumbum is not shaking”
Lady in video: “…you can take your hands off your waist and just…”
Dupe: “Henh?! Take… take…” *loses words* “Ayam nor do again. I cannor now come and go and die away”
#SomebodyShuuComeTeachUsTwerk #UnshakingButt #LazyGirls #AchingThighs
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Humans of Abeokuta: Episode 1

Abeokuta literally means “under rock”; a referent to the refuge people found under its many rocks in 1825 while escaping slave hunters from Dahomey and Ibadan. That was 191 years ago, but the rocks remain in their majestic beauty; wowing visitors, and lending a picturesque quality to the scenery of the town in almost every direction. I suspect too, that some inhabitants of Abeokuta didn’t leave their refuge under the rocks those many years ago. Matter of fact, I suspect some of them -through perhaps an overdose of the many juju/jazz/ogun/magicks that were used at the time- were placed in some state that maintained their youth while putting them to sleep. It seems those people are only now waking; ignorant of the passage of time and ancient norms. Only that, you see, explains what I saw last week.

It was 10:34 a.m and two meetings after breakfast. I was running low on ‘human’, and in desperate need of some beany love-in-a-mug (that’s code for coffee, by the way). I trudged my way to the office kitchenette, and was washing teaspoon and mug when the shrubbery in the house opposite the street moved rather sensibly. It wasn’t the effortless bow or wave of wind-caused movement, but some haphazard shift that could only result from human or animal manipulation. My hands stopped mid-air, raising my mug for draining, and I tipped my glasses up my nose with my left hand; my concentration fully on the ‘moving bush’.

Tick.. tick.. tick

I could hear the hands on my wristwatch pace, feel the soft breeze kiss my cheeks, see…

“Hunh”?!

A naked arm rose from between the shrub, holding a blue bowl. The hand turned the bowl, and water poured down the middle of the shrubs. 

I could smell dust; lots of it. I realised then that I had unconsciously moved forward, perhaps in the bid to see clearer, and my nose was now pressed against the window. I stepped back, even as I sneezed, then moved as close as I could without breathing in dust.

“What the…?!”

A head with a mop of undone hair emerged, then shoulders, swinging breasts, curved waist, flared hips, a miniature bush of hair at the juncture of athletic thighs…

My jaw slackened, my mouth hung open, and I couldn’t find the will to lock it back. A woman was in the shrubbery behind a house, sponging her body! And this, right in the middle of town, not some outskirt. I don’t know how many minutes I stayed there; mouth agape. I was jolted back to reality when she bent, head forward, and rose again, swinging a wrapper around her wet body. An iron bucket rose in her hand from somewhere in the shrubbery; and she was gone, through a door, beyond my vision.

Lucy-Grace-591629 (2)

I sat on the nearest chair then, wondering what I had just seen. And if maybe she had seen me… If she would be coming for me in my dreams one night. Because, who showers in a mere back-of-house shrubbery in this age? And at almost 11a.m, when the world is up and about? And in the middle of a busy area where storey buildings abound?

Who knows these things???

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Body Diary: Episode 1

1:02 a.m

Power is restored. Dupe wants to pee but sits on rug, and lifts laptop instead. Says to self:

“Let’s work before power goes out”

2:16 a.m

Dupe gets thirsty. Drinks a 50cl sachet of water. Thinks: I really should go pee

2:33 a.m

Stomach begins to hurt. But Dupe is writing now. Coaxes self:

“Lemme complete this paragraph. We’ll pee in a tad”

*idly reaches for another 50cl sachet of water*

3:08 a.m

Stomach feels distended. Dupe drops laptop; tries to move a leg and yelps. Butt has cramped. Lifting legs through pins and needles with hurting stomach, while maintaining bladder control, becomes a struggle. Asks:

“God why?”

#‎SmallButtLife‬ ‪#‎PeeTales #BodyDiary

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Between The Cock and Me

6:00 a.m.

*from some far-but-near distance* Kukuruuku

*Dupe frowns, changes position, quickly shuts her alarm up when the icon appears on the telephone screen. Satisfied, she smiles; and continues browsing the internet*

6:03 a.m.

*from a far-but-nearer distance* Kukuruuku

Dupe: “I should get up and bathe. But do I really have to? Hmm… Nah. Let’s just cancel breakfast”

6:05 a.m.

*from a near distance* Kukuruuku! Kukuruuku!

Dupe: “Beht wassall dis? Sir Cock, ayam awake. Since 1 a.m! Kilo de wa de bayii?”

*repositions self so headphones cover ears better, despite lying down*

6:06 a.m.

*right outside her window* Kukuruuku! Kukuruuku!

*Flies up*

Dupe: “The fuck!”

*Lifts curtains, sees cock standing proudly on fence beside her window; seemingly unaware of her presence*

Dupe: “Izzit by force to eat breakfast ni?”

*cock turns to look in Dupe’s direction* Kukuru…

*Dupe grabs towel, runs out of room mumbling about enemies who won’t let her laze in bed just 1 morning in a whole week*

P.S:

kilo de wa de bayii” means “what is the matter now”

…for those whose heads strayed, “cock” was a word before you discovered ‘blue’ materials, the internet, and sex.

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Thirsty Thursday

Voice in my head: “I want coffee”

*I lift mug to nose. Deeply inhale seductive aroma of coffee which I’ve been sipping*

Me: “I’m already giving you coffee. You’ll know in a couple of minutes”

Voice in my head: “More coffee”

Me: “Yes”

*I sip more coffee, stretch left hand backwards to switch on the coffee maker for another mug. Staring at the impression of red lips edging coffee mug, I think:

“#Addiction must be wanting something; even while having it”*